#my life is fuckin weird idk
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I think whump writing has changed my brain chemistry. I almost passed out today and my biggest thought was "take notes about how this feels, it will make for good details in writing!"
#my life is fuckin weird idk#i had breast reduction surgery yesterday#and today i got the drains taken out#and yeah! nearly passed out in the office.#very vasovagal reaction#sweating. clammy. limbs heavy. tunnel vision. hearing going weird. whole nine yards.#my life as a chronically ill whump writer: take notes on this!
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Ace Attorney crossover where, in very typical Phoenix Wright fashion, he's neglected to find out WHO IN HELL his newest client is until he's sitting right across from him at the detention center's visitation room, and he's forced to confront the fact that he's going to bat for a murderous clown who IS innocent this time around
Aka: Ace Attorney crossover, but ClownPierce is his client--
#yea so im cooking chat#can you SEE the vision#phoenix panicking bc clowns assassin status is a secret told with OPEN doors — everyone knows it but nobody can prove it#clown being the most respectful client phoenix has ever had and somehow STILL the most deranged#something something clownzy at some point bc these bad bitches cant be kept appart from each other#uhhhhhh the real killer isssss oh man idk. fuckin. uh#what would be the funniest option???#reddoons? ashswag?? minutetech maybe??? idk man I've not watched lifesteal enough to know the dynamics#in my head the real killer is branzy who gets away with it and only did it bc he was trying to court clown with that#(bc OFC he would)#and takes them all out on a dinner as an apology#maya is all in for whatever the fuck is this weird shit going on#she's having the time of her life#maya is like. using clown as a climbing gym and speaking to him and doing her weird medium tricks with him#he's probably teaching her how to use a knife and how to disarm a man thrice her size in 20 different ways#the only reason phoenie isn't stopping him is bc he's still kinda traumatized from the whole matt engarde debacle#i think the only infinitely funnier option to this is if BRANZY is the defendant#mostly bc clown bursting into the court waiting room to chastise branzy and make sure hes okay and be menacingly standing in a corner is-#-my personal peak comedy honestly#also just bc phoenix would get constant peeks at the bloodthirsty creature living in his veins...#also is it peek? peak? peek right???#fuck english#just.#imagine it#phoenix being mildly terrified of what everyone considers is a wet poodle lost in ikea#anyway#demon rambles™#ace attorney#ace attorney phoenix wright#clownpierce
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Hey did I ever tell y'all about the time I dreamed that I had a baby daughter called Ellie that began with my finding out I was pregnant and ended on like her third birthday?
I legitimately woke up thinking "I should go check on Ellie" and then realised she was never real and when I tell you I SOBBED. I've been haunted by an implacable sense of loss ever since. Did I travel to another dimension? Wtf happened because that was insane.
#I'm not even joking when I say it felt REAL#I have this baby doll (it was my mum's when she was a kid and I have it now) that sometimes I just hold and it makes me feel better???#Did I astral project into another life?????#Was it just a really fucking intense fever dream??????#For the record I was like fifteen I have never even done the do let alone had a pregnancy scare#But yeah my little Ellie#And she never fuckin existed#I woke up halfway through planning her birthday party like baking a cake or sm and I was thinking#“I'll give her the little green cardigan I knitted”#Woke up to a silent house and was like “she's never usually quiet this time in the morning”#Then realised what had happened and started CRYING#idk man it's insane#From a psychological point of view it's fascinating but I've tried and tried to analyse the dream and?????#I always come up with something different???? I can't pinpoint the actual cause and effect of the whole thing?????#Madness honestly#And it was just a normal day too nothing weird had happened it wasn't a coma and I wasn't knocked out it was just a Dream#A very very real one#For the record I don't think Ellie had a father#I think it was just an immaculate conception that nobody ever questioned#Might have been IVF now I think about it#That would make more sense#dream#weird dreams#Ig I should add a grief trigger warning???#tw grief#one time i dreamt#Very confused and it's been like two years so wtf yeah that was... Intense#The most dream of all time#Maybe I'm just fucking insane lol but yeah
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ill be having such a good time then Boom, someone says something
#i love to drive... when i know where im going#im a great driver#but my navigation skills are so shit. theyre so shit#yall i cannot. for the life of me. read fuckin google maps well while driving#i cant judge the distance of a turn.. i think a right turn is a left bcs the screen didnt rotate yet and it's#and i cant remember road names bcs im a landmark man#it's so embarrassing. and all my good driving turns to shy shit bcs it's like. idk. i hate being weird. i hate feeling stupid#i hate being stupid#i hate being told im not stupid until i do smthing stupid again and they get annoyed and u can tell they took it back#bcs everyones right. everyones so right so im not mad at them. im not#im just mad at myself. like it's so fucked. i hate being fucked (literally) (asexual)#i hate getting marked for being wrong in math bcs i saw the + as a ÷ and i did the division right but no one cares abt that bcs it's weird#it's fucked it's so fucked im so fucked#it's so embarrassing. i hate being embarrassing#it's not quirky or cute or anything. setting the wrong alarm bcs i saw the 8 as a 6 is not funny. it's not when u keep doing it#and u keep doublechecking urself and get it wrong anyways#i hate being stupid. i hate being stupid. i hate being stupid. i hate being stupid#u think i dont want to just be normal and fun and carefree with things people find easy? you think i dont want an easy life?#u think i like making people's lives hard? you think i Like being a burden???#i dont wanna be here .
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how to bring up to your dungeon master that your character might be better if she got railed
#when you're also the person in the group who's usually least interested in doing a sex scene#listen i'm not saying sex will fix everything#but my formerly-oath-of-devotion paladin who has lived in a constant miasma of anxiety and is a highly pressurized bottle of emotions#is finally letting herself make (frankly bad) choices and letting her rage out and went oathbreaker and is trying to enter her bad bitch er#this is the ariadne who fucks and she should get to fuck one time 😂#i keep thinking about this guy back in the city where her order's main temple is#who took over the thieves' guild because the temple wasn't helping the city and he was taking matters into his own hands#and god he's been stuck in her craw because like#you're saying the thing i've devoted my life to is shit#and i'm not sure you're wrong but i can't say that#and i hate that#and i hate you#and you're doing more for the city than my entire order is#and i hate that too and i hate you so much and why do i want to make out with you a little bit#god if we run into him again later in the game now that ariadne's not quite as tied up in her order shit might get weird#also: my notes from the session where we met him read “idk who this dude is but i'm gonna fuckin kill him”
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LOL the vibes of that interview were. WOOF. not it. that was like. kind of super uncomfortable to watch????
#i didnt even watch the whole thing LOL#like. idk first of all weird fucking thing to dedicate a whole(???) interview towards#like that mans dating life is NOT my business nor do i want it to be#i do not care about what he looks for in a partner or what his opinion is on dating a celeb vs a nonceleb#and why the FUCK is that mans divorce being pried into good GOD let that be his fuckin business????#also. idk. that interviewers tone felt. too comfortable LOL. but not like in a 'we're friends so this feels like a conversation' kind of way#IDK IT WAS JUST VERY UNCOMFORTABLE TO WATCH#maybe thats just me LOL#not gonna tag this but iykyk
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mmmmm heyyy👁️. ive basically been gone from tumblr for over two days because ive been feeling like a shitty piece of shit. BUT. i finally saw dune part 2 and ohmygoddddd it was so so good. but yes. i was missing leto so bad the entire time. Father come back pls. i need you.
#it was so good tho#like so cool i was internally freaking out about how cool things looked#the fight scenes🤌#the environments/settings🤌#all of the fuckin machinery🤌#the acting🤌#the everything🤌#yum#also i dont find austin butler attractive but funnily enough feyd was the only time ive found him hot😭 yes i have issues. but like. okayyy..#i watched it alone and i wish doing things alone wasnt seen as such a weird or sad thing like. theres nothing wrong with it#sorta vent->#but basically ive been feeling like an annoying piece of shit so ive been staying off of here for the most part#because ive been convincing myself no one likes me and everyone in my life would be better off without me😝😝#just tee bee ehch#and idk i was just feeling like ass and was doing nothing and when i finally would go to use tumblr i was already too tired to do shit#so i just went to sleep#and i was busy today#yesterday*#and ill probably be a bit busy today too but idk maybe hopefully ill catch up a bit#idk ya boys just been hating himself like usual but not as usual bc it was worse but it is what it is#i felt a bit better yesterday though#and also my new antidepressants ive been on havent been doing shit for me so im going back to a previous one i used to be on so yea#hopefully that helps soonish idk#i never vent on here so i feel kinda bad for doing so but i just wanted to puke my thoughts here#also since im already here complaining ive just like. not written at allllllll basically like i got into my head and made myself discouraged#so. that sucks. but also nothing out of the ordinary there#why does Everything i say sound so embarrassingly depressing and pathetic hhhhhhhgggggggggggggghhhghghg#anyways yea i was doing bad im still not doing good but hopefully will be a bit better so ill be back and caught up later today or tomorrow#idk if anyone gave a fuck or noticed but i just like complaining into the void so yea#talkin shit
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How can he see himself in the mirror if he's a vampire. Let's discuss
#my art#fan art#eddsworld#ew matt#eddsworld matt#let's not do that actually🤨#i love postin at 4am when no one will see it 👍#anyway now i can finally say i've drawn the main four at least once YIPPIEEEE#gives him da funni rectangle eyes. hello funni man#that said: mattie how does your hair fuckin work AHAHAHDHJS WHAT A WEIRD FORM#iirc he's also a zombie too. but im leanin more on the vampire part fuck you. SDKLFMDSL#how am i gonna draw him in the future idk. probably won't and make my life easier /lh
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so anyway, thanks for reading my little dissertations on byan's gender. sorry for not writing again today, i'm just. i'm fuckin goin through it rn man
#'it' being... *gestures vaguely*#i stumbled across this series of yt shorts yesterday (all by the same creator) that really fuckin resonated with me#and i mean that in the most serious way like. it spoke to me. never have i related to someone talking about their experiences more.#talking about their life growing up undiagnosed autistic & adhd... being in treatment for anxiety & depression for decades...#i can't really explain it but good god it's most exactly my same experience and i just. i have never felt that before.#it was so... idk. it sounds so dramatic bc it's literally a comedy short but holy shit#they verbalized things that I haven't been able to and#fuck. I felt seen and I felt like I wasn't alone in this miserable weird non-functioning barely even a human place I'm in rn#and just. idk. I'm still kinda processing some of it.#once again I am thinking back over my life and realizing things and it's. heavy. and tiring.#but like. in an ultimately positive way bc it's gonna help me change things & get to a better place.#I'm rambling IGNORE ME writing it out helps me process ig and for whatever reason posting on my dumb writing blog is easier than journaling#just. once again thank u all sfm for ur patience with me. it means SO much to me. genuinely.#you have no idea how much and I can't put it into words but. slow as I am... writing here with all of you is one of the few reasons#that I'm still kicking. and I'm just. so very grateful to every last one of you.#ok I'm gonna shut up before I get even more sappy and emotional lmfajdkgksg#love you guys. hope you're taking care of yourselves. 💜💜💜#━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ ooc ⋮ don’t @ me.#personal cw
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I do find it so funny that I will graduate college days away from my birthday. Like my birthday is literally in between the end of the semester ("graduation") and commencement
It really will be like a joint graduation & birthday party for me lmao
#speculation nation#i dont really do birthday parties anymore. havent in a long time. mostly just go out and do smth fun around my bday. ya kno#also have cake but like not in a party way. just like. here's cake lol#but im probably only gonna graduate from college once. which means i might as well live it up and all.#invite all sorts of extended family and people who have known me. etc etc.#actually it just kinda sunk in that i am. Computer and Information Technology (Systems Analysis and Design focus) w a minor in Communication#like those are words. it's a lot of words but actually it really is pretty accurate?? like that's indeed what ive been studying.#now how much i *remember* is another question. considering how long ive taken to get thru school lol#but that's what people will see on my degree. that's my Thing. graduated in Computer Systems and Talking.#idk it's just weird to have spent so much of my life on this and like That's the culmination. it took so much work.#even beyond a normal 4 years. i switched my major *twice*. switched my minor too.#first year engineering to undecided liberal arts (as a temp major trying to switch to computer science bc i couldnt stay in FYE)#but then computer science sucked so i switched to trying to get into computer & info tech. which is different. and better.#and ive been in it long enough now that ive kinda forgotten but it did take some fuckin work to switch into it.#like i had to take certain classes first & i couldnt take them during the semesters that in-major students would take them#and i had to have my gpa up to a certain level etc etc. so many hoops to jump thru. i think it took me at least a year. or more. idr#but i made it in and thats my major. thats my thing. computers and information systems and communication.#doesnt FEEL like im an almost-graduate. but then i think about all the things ive taken and learned.#and maybe i dont remember a lot of the more specific things from these classes. but i took core lessons away from each one.#wont be able to recite the theories but i can live them. and thats the point of an education i guess.#anyways im gonna have to start job searching before too long and eughhbb. need to get my license first tho probably.#which i will... i will.... i have so many things to deal with... my life will be So Different in a year...#it will require me to put in the work now. but i can do it. and then a year from now. i'll hopefully be in a better spot.#living somewhere else. graduated from college. with a license and a car. maybe even an IT job of some kind.#kind of scared of trying to find a Big Boy Job. aka a job that requires a degree and networking and all that shit.#rather than just showing up and being like Hi i can do this job. i am not a total drain of a person. hire me please 👍#hfkahfks so many things to think about. and through it all i am still dealing with DEADLINES...!!!!#but yeah this is why my writing has largely been put on hold. idk i have a lot of things im dealing with rn.
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i think im allowed to assume someones consuming their kinks in a harmful-to-others way if I have first hand experience with them sexually abusing me, personally.
#do i think they always do it in a harmful way? no. because i dont see the world in black and white. statistically thats impossible#but i think its safe for me to assume the worst in this situation with this specific person. personally#instead of trying to make me second guess if i should be so harsh on my abuser and keep my arms closed entirely maybe#we should be confronting them on being a better person for once#yaknow instead of insisting that i need to heal or change or whatever and the fault all lies in me and never in them#food for thought#i promise me being disturbed by and wanting to avoid certain kinks isnt worse than them being sexually abusive. like i really promise.#if you think i do more harm being uncomfortable than they do by sexually abusing ppl then idk what to tell ya#and a lot of the kinks that make me uncomfortable and i try to avoid are the ones they have#forgive me if trauma makes me weary. i mean fuck dude it takes years for me to even feel like i can trust someone enough to be my friend#now you're telling me i hafta jump all the way to trusting ppl wont misuse their kinks towards me? im sorry what world do you live in#i already dont trust a lot of cis men for that reason it doesnt suddenly change just bc you're queer. i gotta know you're not#a sexually abusive creep to even BEGIN to touch the subject of kinks w you#which explains why me and my abusive ex never got that far in that conversation 😒#cis men have a lot of kinks that just hearing them makes me suspicious because personally i have lived with a cis man who sexually#abused me and was very secretive about his kinks and is the type of person to act one way but then is secretly a pos#so yeah im a little fuckin weary dude. im not assuming people with certain kinks are bad by default but id be lying if i said certain#kinks dont make me a little on edge to hear about someone having. and i'd probably take an even longer time sussing that person out#sorry but i just dont need to be sexually abused again. and for me rn avoiding that is being weary of certain things.#a lot of it is context too... a group of people pretending to be super familiar with me and wanting to dive into kink stuff right away bc#we're all queer so it should be Fine and want me to come to their place that i need to take a car to at night.... yeah gonna pass#but thats why im saying a good long ol' sussing is needed for me to feel ok. if you have an issue with me needing to feel like i#can trust someone to be around them thats just.... really weird. obv i cant always control that but i mean specifically situations i can#obligatory: none of this has to do w kink in public or anything this is all about my own personal life
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Hello! I watched your speedpaints on repeat when I was in middle school (like 6 years ago) and sometimes still go back and watch them for the sake of nostalgia and good music. I just wanted to let you know you’ve touched my life and left a print, thank you 🤍
Thank you. So so much. For sending me this??? The me who made all those youtube videos. Doesn’t exist anymore. Life got harder. In so many new and horrible ways. And that like. Spark to create kinda died. And also I had more important shit to worry about all of a sudden. But. Knowing that it left on impact on someone enough to send me a message. Years after I’ve stopped making them tho. Idk.. that means something.. I appreciate you didn’t forget about me! (/my videos lol. I kno u don’t kno me. My vids and art feel a bit like. An extension of me tho? In a way. But I kno that it’s not a 1:1 thing. My art an videos express thoughts ideas and feelings of mine. But they are not. Me. Just lil slivers of me.. Tiny lil portions from specific moments in time.)
Sometimes it feels like those videos were just a flash in the pan. A brief moment of attention and fame I didn’t grab onto hard enough… and now the moments long gone. but. I didn’t rlly want to grab onto it, I just wanted to make fun videos. And show off my music taste lol. And express. The music videos my brain would create in my head into the real world. And then I got too busy w real life kicking my ass. (Ps. life has now stopped kicking my ass!! It’s gotten better. Just. Not the same as it was before) Maybe I’ll get back into it one day. If I have any new ideas. Once I get stable and know what I’m doing. And get like an iPad or something so I don’t have to wrangle w my laptop lol. But yeah!!! Srry.. I’m rambling a lot.. this message just made me emotional ok! I’m being openly vulnerable in turn hopefully that’s not too weird lol. I’m happy my videos had an impact on your life!! That means. A fucking ton. Like. Words cannot properly express the weird happy feeling that gives me in my heart. Thank you so much!! For real!!! Srry for getting all in depth about my life again this message just!!! Struck an introspective chord w me!!!
#like.. god damn#I guess it’s like… when I think about back then. and now. it’s weird. it’s so so weird#but this rlly! made me really happy to read!!! Srry if my reply is inarticulate or weird I’m bad at words and this is like a complicated#emotion to express without getting way too sappy and introspective and vulnerable#so I gave up on not being sappy and introspective and vulnerable to try and express it!#but I probably still didn’t do it 100% properly lol. hopefully u get the idea tho!#so yeah. thank u lol#I hope u have a good life dude! from: the guy who made those vids u liked…#time and life are so weird.. I hope we all get to have good life’s. u ask person#me. anybody reading my tags. anybody not reading my tags. idk!!! I just hope shit goes well! and we can get thru the bad times!#and have a good time. bein alive. to the best of our abilities…#ok. I’m gonna shut up now. this has gotten sappy and emotional enough ghghg#thank u.. again… Srry for goin off in weird tangents my brain just felt compelled#I have comfort nostalgia vids I like watching too. that just. mean a lot to me. I’m happy. that my videos can give u that feeling!#assks#sorry that’s my tag for. responding to asks. I promise I’m not calling u an ass#idk why I made that my tag ghgh- lil me was fuckin stupid lol#I say that w affection but I def was ghg. ok now for real for real shutting up! thank u again!
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i have GOT to stop cursing myself for my mental health not being good, or for having literal human emotions, (as if i didn’t suffer a manic episode literally two months ago and i’m still recovering and healing from it)
#okay but literally why was february the longest month of my life and march was five seconds long?#and now april is going fast too#my dad has being going on about our holiday for like months and now it’s less than two weeks away#i’m anxious about it tbh#it’s my first big trip in like almost five years#and like i wanna go i wanna live my life#bc i know if i stay home i’ll regret it#but every time i think about going i feel a little nervous#for reasons that i don’t even really know#residual manic depression feels and the internalised ableism that *reallly* got bad during said episode is making me feel sick with nerves#a lot lately and i don’t know i want freedom and independence and a life and i’m trying so hard and ehhhhh#idk i repeat the same shit a lot but it’s a big problem but it’s not something i can change but that doesn’t mean i just stop feeling bad#about it#‘healing isn’t linear’ yeah fuckin tell me about it#idk if i dip in and out that’s why#not that most people would really notice or care#but if you’re interested yeah wow gwen’s off on a weird one again! big surprise!#i take the piss to cope but anywaysssss#just feel like a clown lately like ‘honk honk’ that’s me#said i wasn’t gonna curse myself for feeling bad then immediately did#i’m trying to unlearn that amongst many other things sighsssssssssss#anyways whatever
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the downside of living my entire life surviving on spite and grit is i don’t get to relax or be chill ever
always running from one thing to the next as fast as can, never taking any time to sit down and breathe, not if i can help it
only ever actually sleep when i’m high on weed or have worked myself to physical exhaustion and i just crash wherever i’m sitting or laying
#sprenposting#idk#having lots of weird feelings today#haven’t been able to sleep well for at least a week and i’m running on empty#and have to doordash today and tomorrow and friday cuz moving expenses and just fuckin life is expensive#and i’m so tired#on the other hand my partners think it’s cute when i lay down on them and pass out#something about my head on their chest listening to their heartbeat and breathing lulls me to actual realsy sleep
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physically holding back my rage when i go get my weekly uchuujin no kakushigoto update and see people bitchin and moaning about it. I WANT TO HURT YOU AND IM NOT FUCKING AROUND. YOU SHOULD HAVE BEAR MACE SPRAYED IN YOUR EYES SINCE YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVE NO FUCKING APPRECIATION FOR GOOD LITERATURE. S2G SHUT YOUR DUMBASS UP BEFORE I GO AHEAD AND SLICE OFF ALL YOUR FINGER TIPS TOO AND PUT YOUR TONGUE IN A BAG CORPSE PARTY STYLE CUZ YOUR OPINIONS ARE ACTIVELY MAKING SOCIETY WORSE.
#i will make a review for uchuujin no kakushigoto later... bc rn i want to see more how the story plays out to see if it gets even better or#if it falls from grace#rn tho im so hooked like every week i need my update its what i look forward to ngl#the manga is soooo good i adore it from the artstyle to the characters to the romance to the message#i love the pyschological aspects so far and think its been interweved nicely if not a little too in your face but its being done p well#i cant wait to see how the author handles the main theme rn of exploring the selfishness in helping people#so many people keep saying its 'so weird' and 'keeps getting more fucked up with each chapter'#AND I DONT GET IT#ITS NOT WEIRD IMO ITS NOT A BIZARRE STORY#ITS A GOOD STORY AND I THINK EVERYTHING MAKES PERFECT SENSE LIKE TBH#IM SURPRISED WE HAVENT SEEN AN ALIEN ROMANCE STORY LIKE THIS YET#THIS IS AN UNTAPPED MARKET THATS LIKE UH DUHH!! WHY DIDNT I THINK OF DOINF THAT FIRST?!?#IDK LIKE I DONT THINK ITS WEIRD I THINK THE AUTHOR IS MAKING VERY NORMAL DECISIONS TO PROGRESS THE STORY#you wanna read weird go read fuckin#KAMI NO KODOMO#I HAD TO FIGHT FOR MY LIFE ON BAKAMANGA TO FIND THIS AGAIN#i should write a review for it. its interesting#not really a fan cuz it just doesnt hit for me but its interesting and unique
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this is genuinely... so funny to me. like the hilarity of copypasting rational tweets. i'm literally right. it's not even a funny copypasta because it's literally just. objectively correct. it's a criticism of twitter culture and that makes it funny to you because...... god forbid you actually have empathy for other people. caring is for losers if you're on twitter dot com, you have to be snarky and funny at all times.
#moots & friends keep sending me shit and im just like. lmfao this is embarrassing for YOU guys. i stand by everything ive said actually.#i'm sorry you think trying to have a genuine conversation about harmful behaviours is cringe#you consider yourself an activist and will retweet every fucking post abt current events#but you can't actually be bothered to make a positive change in your own life.........#the fact that most of them stop responding after they realize im not going to freak out and give them something emotional is very telling#it's not even like most of them disagree they literally just want to make fun of me for...... caring. like ok. weird hill to die on idk#im at the point where im considering privating my tweets just so i dont continue to get ppl responding but#i think its important that ppl can see my responses. because i stand by them and clearly other ppl do too#theres been a lot of mixed responses but a lot of people have actually ended up agreeing with me after some back and forth#which i appreciate. i didnt want to start fuckin. twitter drama. but like. ill take it#i dont interact with sunnyblr at all so i think this is a good opportunity to potentially change at least a few ppls perspectives#and if youre too far gone to the point where you think that someone caring about perpetuating homophobic rhetoric is funny#i. dont really want to interact with you anyway lol. get better soon xoxo#last post about this on here im. putting this to rest.#ada speaks#genuinely disgusting how many of these ppl will say shit like. ppl are dying. like... yeah. what are YOU doing to help.#retweeting a donation link or someones random carrd doesnt do shit actually. performative armchair activism.#same ppl tweeting vapid shit while acting like theyre above engaging with me on this#i was venting about people qrting glenns old tweets with stupid shit because it was clogging my tl actually lol
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